countrybird's Blog

So tired today.  The wind was blowing non-stop all day.  I get so grouchy when the wind is blowing.  I am unable to get anything done outside when the wind is blowing.  It's hard to feed the horses, can't take the dogs for a walk or work on fences.  It's just plain miserable.  The wind blows at a steady 35 - 40mph with gusts upwards of 50 - 60mph.  I'm sure they get higher than that along the highways as they blow semi's over.  I just know that it wears me out and I get grouchy.  I'm also grouchy during winter since I don't have any south facing windows so I feel like I'm living in a cave.  I'm cold all the time and don't get enough sunlight.  I have it on my list of projects to have a picture window put in on the long wall in the living room.  That'll be when I have money to afford it.  That project continues to be rotated down to the bottom of the list. 

I keep telling myself that I'm half way to Spring since the holiday's are just about over.  It's a way of measuring the long winter months of dark and coldness for myself.  I get anxious at this time for the days to start getting longer one minute at a time.  I need to keep it in perspective and focus on one day at a time to keep from feeling overwhelmed.  Now to focus on what I need to prepare for tomorrow's work day. 

It's never easy to just go to the store anymore.  I have to plan when to go and exactly what I need.  Once that is done I need to prepare myself to go.  By this I mean I have to to mentally get ready to go into the land of WalMart.

Driving into the parking lot is dangerous enough with people slowly creeping by only to hit the gas and squeeze into the parking spot I was just going to pull into.  Nevermind the person who was just about to walk in front of me.

Now without the protection of my car I dodge the feeding frenzy of vehicles to reach the false sense of safety at the entrance of the store.  There I am able to get a cart on my own which is next to a "Greeter" who is leaning against a wall with a scowl on their face.  This is a person I would cross the street from as to avoid any confrontation.  Fortunately, the "Greeter" remains silent and doesn't offer up any carts.

Off with my squeeling-pulls-to-the-right cart I head into the large warehouse to grab the 5 items on my list.  I've got it down so I can make a large circle in one clean sweep.  First to the cat litter, dog snacks, over to the calendars, back to the milk, up to bananas and to the cheeck out lanes.  That's when I had to start playing WalMart Dodgeball.

It goes like this: Dodge the kid on my left, the old woman on my right, watch out for the motorized cart backing up behind me.  Oh, watch out, up ahead there is a roadblock, 2 people talking with carts and kids.  Quick find a way to maneuver around.  Oh no, wrong turn, this aisle is full of people!  Back up, turn around, apologize, ignore rude comment, back in the main aisle. 

I'm doing okay in the game until I get to the calendars.  They have them out on a little kiosk type of rack in one of the main aisles.  There is an old grumpy couple standing next to it.  The lady is looking at the calendars and the man is watching over their cart.  I think it is customary to be grumpy when you are in WalMart.  I know I am.  I spy the calendar I want, it has horses on it.  No need to look any further.  I know from the cover that there will be horses on the inside.  It says it's a 2009 calendar.  I'll take it.  Now if I can get to it.  "Excuse me, I'd like to get to this calendar."  No one moves.  A bit louder, "Excuse me, I'd like to get to this calendar."  No one moves.  I start to turn the rack that the lady is looking at.  I'd be dead if looks could kill.  I believe she had claimed her rack earlier and I missed it.  "I'm sorry, I'm trying to get this calendar out."  Got it!

Back on track and run into another roadblock.  Why do employees sit on the floor in the main aisle when folding clothes?  I stop but other people flow right past me in all directions.  I feel like I'm the clog in a drain.  Finally I'm able to break free!

I did make it to get my items and up to the cashier.  I try to choose my cashier wisely.  That never works.  Today I was behind someone who insisted that the coffeemaker she just bought be opened up so that all parts are accounted for before she goes home.  Then she bought the extended warranty and wanted everything explained to her.  I once used the self check outs.  That didn't work well either as the computer kept telling me, "Please put the item back in the bag."  I didn't know what I was doing!  The clerk stayed by my side and told me I couldn't lift anything up off the table once I checked it.  Apparently I didn't understand that.  Now I am afraid of the computer.  I think the computer is HAL even though I know my name is not Dave.

After risking my life in the parking lot again I am safely home sitting with my dogs.  They have had their snacks and are sleeping.  WalMart is off in the distant for another couple of weeks or a month.  I can rest easy for now.

Cold, windy and dreary out today.  Not a lot to do when the weather is so bad.  Tried to work on balancing out my monthly earnings to get ready for taxes and decided that the task took too much brain power.  Today would be a day for using as little power as possible.

A warm blanket, cup of hot chocolate and my puppies, kitties and a pile of pillows were all I needed to get through the day.  I watched shows that had been on my DVR for a long time and now I know what has been happening on Prison Break.

I got a phone call from my parents which left me a little distressed as I gave them a framed collage photo of me and my animals for Christmas.  They didn't sound like they enjoyed it.  The tone I got was one of "oh, yeah, thanks."  I let them know that since they have pictures of all of my siblings kids then I thought it would be nice that they have one of my "family."  My dad then says he doesn't even know all their names or how to tell them apart.  I felt hurt.  These are animals I have had for over 8 years.  My parents have visited me several occassions and spent several nights here.  Last year they stayed over a month while I recovered from having a kidney removed.  Now I wonder if I shouldn't have given the picture at all.

My animals mean the world to me.  I can't imagine them not being in my life.

I also had thoughts today about if being after Christmas and how I am not a part of the family gathering as my siblings see me as the "freak."  In reality I'm not the freak and probably the most "normal" of all of them.  I am the youngest and the only one who holds an advanced degree.  My oldest sister completely lives the Desperate Housewife life to a "T".  My other sister has too many issues and problems to count or keep up with.  My niece who is 18 just gave birth to her first child, of which the family won't tell me when that occured or what sex the child is or it's name.  My 50 year old brother is still a virgin and brings his laundry to my mothers house to have her do it even though he has his own machines.  My other brother has latched onto his wife's family on the East Coast and I hardly ever hear from him.  I don't see how I am the odd one out? 

I can slowly feel my depression creeping back up on me as it always does this time of the year.  It's so hard to battle now with so little daylight and the weather is so cold and snowy.  The winds don't go away and really make me grouchy and irritable.  I am working so hard at keeping it together to get through into May.  That's when things improve.  That's still a long way to go.  This is so hard.

I cried a lot today.  At one point I thought the tears just weren't going to stop.  The pain during that spell was so deep.  I really struggle during the holidays.  This time of the year just accentuates how alone I truly am.  I didn't have anything to eat except a banana and a glass of chocolate milk this morning.  Then the rest of the day I nibbled at some fudge that an ex-coworker of mine made for me and dropped off earlier in the week.  I have been drinking milk with that.  I don't have any real food in the house.  I wanted to buy a chicken to bake for today but wasn't able to get to town to do so.  I don't do real good in the large crowds this time of year and didn't want to look somewhat foolish while families are buying a bunch of food and turkeys and hams while I would be picking up only a chicken and nothing else.  I'm not even that good at baking a chicken.  But I thought I could do that and pull some small pieces of meat off for the dogs and cats to share with me.  After all they are my "children" and my family.  That was to be my Christmas dinner and I wasn't able to get to the store and get the chicken to do it.  I feel bad about not getting it.  So I ate junk food and cried.  Maybe I can get the nerve up to get a chicken between now and New Year's Eve.  I can't afford to buy more than a chicken and hopefully the crowds will be less now at the grocery store.  I wish I had someone to go shopping with me and then my anxieties would be much less.

Today I eventually got myself out of bed and into the shower.  It was about noon.  That's when the propane guy drove up and backed behind the house.  My dogs were barking and I was still in bed feeling sad.  I had been crying as I have felt overwhelmed with my financial circumstances.  Hearing the loud diesel engine of the propane truck intensified those feelings as that bill alone is nearly $200 per month.  I have that on what they call "budget billing".  When May rolls around I owe a lot more than what was contracted since I never seem to guess how many gallons I will need for the fall and winter correctly and go over the contracted "budget" amount. 

Listening to my dogs bark and pulling myself up I let them out to watch the propane guy do his work.  Up out of bed I start my day and eventually find myself able to make plans for the remainder of the afternoon.  I decided I would go to the local mall to get out of the house.  There weren't that many people at the mall and I found a parking space pretty quickly.  Inside the crowd was more like a gathering.  I weaved my way in and out of stores looking at pictures and trinkets when I found myself at the pet store. 

Puppies!  My heart immediately warmed up as I felt endless puppy love resonating from all of the cute little faces looking up at me!  There were puppies in the windows, running around on the floor and in pens that people could reach in and pet them!  Puppies were sleeping, playing and barking!  It was a puppy playhouse of puppy proportions!  A sweet little Chihuahua caught my eye and tugged at my sleeve.  I held her and she kissed my hand and gave a little bark!  I wanted so much to be able to take her home!  I knew that I had no financial means to do so.  I spent 45 minutes to 1 hour playing with her and her puppymates!  My sad mood brightened for the time and I felt that I was a part of something real. 

Tonight as I sit and write this I reflect and think about how much a little dog can change a person's view, life, feeling in minutes by them being just who they are.  Caring, loving, accepting, joyful.  No wonder why animals are good for one's health!  I pray that the little Chihuahua will soon find a home with a loving family all of her own as she has so much to give that is larger than her little body shows!

I am thankful for having animals as a part of my life and that today I was reminded of this.